I am a spitter.
It’s true, it’s true.
I have this awful habit of spitting when I run (and it’s only when I run!), often garnering a grossed-out stare from even the male college student with a beer gut and two-day-old hangover.
But I cannot help it.
My mother, on the other hand, can.
I can make her gag at the mere mention of words, such as “gunk,” “phlegm” and “mucus.” And I am not exaggerating. We once had to pull over the car because my younger brother was coughing up a lung and I told her he “just has a lot of gunk left over” from a cold he had been fighting.
She gagged so much she had tears streaming down her face.
Needless to say, she will not make it very far into this post.
So, she — my mother, that is — calls me the other day and, in a very sharp and direct tone says, “WILL. YOU. PLEASE … explain to me why people think it is OK to spit?! It is so disgusting!”
Well, let me start with first explaining that I, too, think spitting is disgusting. I don’t think many people actually take pleasure in seeing someone launch a big spit wad.
But the urge to spit does sometimes come, however, when one (ahem!) is running or engaging in some kind of rigorous activity. The need sometimes also arises when one is sick, such as in the case of my brother.
I do spit when I run. My sister, the Hulk runner, does as well.
I don’t think spitting is bad (sorry, Mom!). I do think, however, that there must be some restraints, like, “The Five Rules for Hawking a Big One” or something of the sort. I, for one, could have used such a set of rules the other day when I spit in the direction of a synagogue. Keep in mind, I am not the least bit anti-semitic — my fiance is Jewish and I have put forth much time into studying the wondrous religion. I am not so sure, however, that the woman getting out of a car to take her daughter to Hebrew school thought the same thing.
This is why, fellow spitters, we need rules. Then, we can avoid death stares from moms trying their best to shield their kids’ eyes all while explaining what “a disgusting habit THAT GIRL” is forcing into their spit-less lives.
So, here they are, “The Five Rules for Hawking a Big One,” or whatever you wish to call them:
1.) Don’t spit in other people’s yards (driveways, general direction). Especially, if they are watching.
2.) When you see a cute guy or girl checking you out, resist the urge to spit until they are out of eye/earshot. Note: You will not score a date with someone who knows the color of your saliva.
3.) Try to keep your daily spits under a certain number. That way, spitting does not become any more of an obnoxious behavior than it already is.
4.) Never, ever spit indoors. Spitting has become such a regular thing when I am running, that I have to fight the need to do so when I am at the gym. There-in lies another reason why I hate running on the treadmill (see “Enough is Enough Already” for more on this subject).
5.) Avoid spitting in front of children. There is no need to pass this habit onto the wee ones.
And so, there you have it. If we all keep these rules in mind, I think we can make it in this world as spitters.
Now, as for the nose-pickers, boy do I have a bone to pick with you.